I could have easily posted stuff here, but that would have put me in the ranks of social entities like Twitter or Facebook. Nobody reads these blogs as does life. Nobody cares or even considers the thoughts of the massive and lonely hearts as yours truly.
Do I have a Facebook account? Yes, I do. Does anybody read it? I don't know. I must realize that I am just a grain of sand in this world. Nobody gives a thought or reason of or for me. I am a narcissist. I have exaggerated self importance. When I walk among the streets, I am overly aware of people looking at me and mocking me. However, I am nothing. Not even a stare or glance from a stranger. The people that walk by me cause me to shrivel in fear and I most certainly look at them with fear and hatred. I hate the world. I always have. I suppose that is a given? But I recall the sadness and the utter hatred I have for life at an early age.
So, here I am, just like many before me. I have contempt for life. Hatred for being born into a reality for no purpose except to suffer immensely. Life without purpose. A huge and tragic joke played upon us poor humans for the purpose of useless demonstration. It makes no sense. I have no idea of why or what is happening to me or whatever. I am lost without purpose or meaning. All I know is the suffering and the sorrow I have seen and endured.
My life is ruined and it was so at an early age. I saw the emptiness, sadness and hopelessness in the eyes of my mother when I was young. I could not utter or put into words what I say, but the utter sadness came across me and there was no mistake about what I felt or saw.
My mother suffered greatly as a child. A victim of child abuse for which she had to adapt a mindset of street mentality to stay sane.
Why do I say this? Simply, because there are members of my family who've adopted a psychotic over reaction to child hood drama. By this I mean using forms of control such as "Passive Aggressive" to remain sane. Of course, there are more definitive words to describe more intricate maladies, but in this discourse, let us keep it simple.
There is and was no reason for a member of my family to act out with utter cruelty as if they have suffered their mother did. They, in fact, were safe and had nothing to worry about. And to be honest, this person was in fact a sister of mine. At this moment, I have utter contempt and hatred for her. This person is the worst of all humans being that she is a psychopath. This is more so since she is religious. And that my dear friends, is the worst form of depravity a human being can be.
I have suffered greatly and with abject cruelty by a person who is mentally a child. A person who has never past the point of age six or seven. A person with that childish mindset is of course, a dangerous person with no self control or restraint.
I am talking of the concept of evil. It will follow you where ever you go. No matter where you are or what place you are in, evil will always be there. There are no safe harbors, no safe shelters, no place to have quiet moments. Evil is always present and is Always there.
And the beat goes on. The Juggernaut and it's wheels keep on churning. The steam and smoke keep on belching. It never tires or stops and with that, I will stop here. I will try to reconstitute what remains of me as I try to understand what lays before me, that, being, more suffering at the wheels of the Juggernauts fate.