Sunday, March 18, 2012


It has been awhile since I posted and the reason for that is because of circumstance and life. In other words, Shit, or Hell on Earth.

I could have easily posted stuff here, but that would have put me in the ranks of social entities like Twitter or Facebook. Nobody reads these blogs as does life. Nobody cares or even considers the thoughts of the massive and lonely hearts as yours truly. 

Do I have a Facebook account? Yes, I do. Does anybody read it? I don't know. I must realize that I am just a grain of sand in this world. Nobody gives a thought or reason of or for me. I am a narcissist. I have exaggerated self importance. When I walk among the streets, I am overly aware of people looking at me and mocking me. However, I am nothing. Not even a stare or glance from a stranger. The people that walk by me cause me to shrivel in fear and I most certainly look at them with fear and hatred. I hate the world. I always have. I suppose that is a given? But I recall the sadness and the utter hatred I have for life at an early age. 

So, here I am, just like many before me. I have contempt for life. Hatred for being born into a reality for no purpose except to suffer immensely. Life without purpose.  A huge and tragic joke played upon us poor humans for the purpose of useless demonstration. It makes no sense. I have no idea of why or what is happening to me or whatever. I am lost without purpose or meaning. All I know is the suffering and the sorrow I have seen and endured. 

My life is ruined and it was so at an early age. I saw the emptiness, sadness and hopelessness in the eyes of my mother when I was young. I could not utter or put into words what I say, but the utter sadness came across me and there was no mistake about what I felt or saw. 

My mother suffered greatly as a child. A victim of child abuse for which she had to adapt a mindset of street mentality to stay sane. 

Why do I say this? Simply, because there are members of my family who've adopted a psychotic over reaction to child hood drama. By this I mean using forms of control such as "Passive Aggressive" to remain sane. Of course, there are more definitive words to describe more intricate maladies, but in this discourse, let us keep it simple. 

There is and was no reason for a member of my family to act out with utter cruelty as if they have suffered their mother did. They, in fact, were safe and had nothing to worry about. And to be honest, this person was in fact a sister of mine. At this moment, I have utter contempt and hatred for her. This person is the worst of all humans being that she is a psychopath. This is more so since she is religious. And that my dear friends, is the worst form of depravity a human being can be.

I have suffered greatly and with abject cruelty by a person who is mentally a child. A person who has never past the point of age six or seven. A person with that childish mindset is of course, a dangerous person with no self control or restraint. 

I am talking of the concept of evil. It will follow you where ever you go. No matter where you are or what place you are in, evil will always be there. There are no safe harbors, no safe shelters, no place to have quiet moments. Evil is always present and is Always there. 

And the beat goes on. The Juggernaut and it's wheels keep on churning. The steam and smoke keep on belching. It never tires or stops and with that, I will stop here. I will try to reconstitute what remains of me as I try to understand what lays before me, that, being, more suffering at the wheels of the Juggernauts fate.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

As usual, here I am again with the same excuse. I was lazy and could not think of something to write about. Indeed, I am no well schooled pupil of learning, but how I wish I was so. In my profile I mention that I am of native Indian descent. Both my parents were of native American descent with twinges of other races of most likely European blood.

I take after my father who was educated by attending and finishing the 8th grade. That was a feat back then, and it seems it is also that in present times. All the education system seems to care for is the quantity of students graduating rather than the quality of the educated. I am concerned about the quality of education that I and all other have received in the American school system. Back in the day, I was very confused about math and fractions. Then all of a sudden came the New Math.

I was so confused and still am to a degree. Either, I was a bad and unteachable student or I had a very bad teacher. As I was growing up and pondering things about our night time sky and universe, my imagination was nonstop. What if we had an inverse universe where everything is white and the stars are dark? I had an interesting dream one night where I looked into a control box that had switching relays and the box was painted in silvery grey. Not far from the projects where I lived was a water tower and the control box was something I would look and gaze at. In my dream, I fell inside the control box and it was a white universe and I saw stars that were black. I felt myself dissolving into that world, yet, I had a great sense of peace where I remember vividly saying to myself, "Maybe this is what happens when you die?"

I drifted forever in that dream and possibly, I am here in that same dream now?

I am meandering about thoughts all over the place. In my previous post, I mentioned about those who had issues about alcohol and it's consumption. I had a couple of 24 ounce cans before I had the courage to post. I am honest about myself and my frailties. I am no longer the young man I was once was. I never thought I was handsome or good looking although I was told I was. But, the damage was done and it is a part of my life. Perhaps it was a way of humbling me, which seems to be the case of others in my family who are astutely arrogant? I do not know. It makes me wonder why so many siblings have the self preserving, self centered, self righteous, psychopathic tendencies in their character. It's as they had Jewish blood in them, God forbid since that would make me part of the problem. Not the solution.

But getting back to my father, he was an interesting man. He was an only child and from what I am told, was a gambler, a womanizer, a drinker, and a prolific writer and mechanical engineer. He also was a very simple man.  I pretty much take after him too. I like simple things. I hate confrontation and arguments. I hate those who use words and manipulate them for their own designs. I would call them intellectual mercenaries as I have heard that appropriate term before.

The world is in a state of darkness and ready for a change. I do not say this because of what is stated in other blogs, but as a sense of innate urgency of things to come. I have to say I am concert with the conclusions as to what Cliff High has to say regarding The Web Bot Project. You can do your own research into this and hopefully reach the same conclusions. Keep an open mind since we are not all as intelligent or teachable as we think we are. We do not know anything about anything, really. We do not know what is beyond that dead end known as Death. We do not know anything about what really happens in the Cosmos. We do not anything about what happens at the conception of life. So, be careful of those who hold up their hands and say, "Talk To The Hand", as if all knowledge was theirs. These people are fools and are on the fast track to an inevitable train wreck. Sadly, it is quite obvious the whole world seems to be headed in this direction, at least here in the United States of America.

The world is a fast moving train and headed toward an unmovable mountain. Those who survive, will be the ones who are prepared. Those who do not survive, will be the ones who cling unto the old habits and self destructive belief systems.

May the peace and blessings of the Klystron Collective and the Third World Country Boy be upon you.